I always wake up in a dream, and forget what I dreamed when I wake up

I’m always sick these days, I know it’s okay, but I’m sick of being sick.

I always wake up in a dream, and forget what I dreamed when I wake up, but it is clear that tears are still hanging on my face. I have been dreaming of you for days, my dearest grandmother. To my surprise, he was still standing behind my grandmother. A man who loved me madly but betrayed me back then.

I was twenty-two years old that year, and I thought it was a flowery age. For a long time, I lived with my grandparents, enjoying the best love in the world, and living the purest life.

In the summer of that year, I didn’t know how I met him. I don’t know why he fell in love with me at first sight and pursued me for a whole summer. Thinking about it now, I should have been very happy that summer.

He is very handsome, appearing in my world a little bit flirtatiously. When smiling, it is as clear as the sun, revealing a mouthful of snow-white teeth, which makes people a little fascinated.

Maybe it was my disdain and indifference that stimulated him, and he followed him like a ghost afterwards. Every time when he worked overtime very late, he would wait for me with one leg slanting on his bicycle under the lights in front of the street.

At this time, the female colleagues around would run downstairs to greet him, saying that I would be coming down soon. Then, panting, he ran back to the office again and again, excited. Said, Wenzi, so handsome! Like Qi Qin!

But I didn’t know him at that time, nor did I know his name. He never stalked me, but often followed me, accompanied me to work and after get off work, with the appearance of never giving up.

My indifference finally made him break out one day. He said that he fell in love with me. I didn’t say a word, I wanted to refuse, but I couldn’t bear to speak. I said, go see my grandmother, and she agreed, that’s fine.

He really went to see my grandmother. I don’t know what kind of fate, but my grandmother was happy. The dusk of that day seemed more beautiful than usual, and the laughter at home that day was brighter than usual.

His name is Cheng. He is a firefighter, not a vagrant as I thought. He loves me, in the days to come, he often said. I’m always behind the scenes, and I can’t express my emotions.

When it becomes a vacation, I am always busy. I’m so busy that I don’t have time to buy things I like. Cheng always asked his senior sister to be a staff member, and bought me foundation, lipstick, and beautiful floral dresses.

I enjoy this kind of love and his pampering. Always think this is love, always think this is forever. I like plain love, like a long stream of water, thinking that he will accompany me to see through the scenery one by one.

When it’s time to go back to the army, I’ll see you off. Cheng thought that I would cry in a different way, but I didn’t expect that I was very calm. Sometimes I also hate myself, why didn’t I cry and chase the train for a long time like in the TV series. I was thin, tall, and long-legged at the time, so running three to five kilometers shouldn’t be a problem.

I really should blame myself and hate myself. When I received Cheng’s first letter from home, I saw tears repeatedly. He said that when we separated that day, his eyes were red from crying all the way. He said that he was reluctant to part, as if he lost his soul. He said, he is the kite and I am the string, and I always have the final say on how high to fly. I still hate myself, why was I so sensible at that time, I just wrote back and told him, I will wait for you.

Always not good at expressing, not good at saying goodbye. Always a solid woman, why didn’t you say, you are the wind and I am the sand, why didn’t you say, I will follow you all the way to the end of the world.

Finally one day, the news of the breakup came. He said that I don’t love him. In this relationship, he has paid too much and is a little tired.

I was at a loss for a long time, and also suffered for a long time. I didn’t eat for three days and wept secretly. Write back to him and send it to a city called Urumqi. The letter didn’t say anything, only two words, agree.

In this way, he was selectively amnesiac and forgot about him, as if he had never met. Take a large stack of letters and photos, put them in a basin, and slowly watch them burn to ashes. From then on, each side of the world.

Today is the Hungry Ghost Festival, send some paper money to grandma. I always miss her old man, afraid that she will have a bad life in another place. For eight years, my grandmother often appeared in my dreams. She doesn’t give up on me, and I don’t give up on her either.

Being dependent on each other is better than the relationship between mother and daughter. In any case, this deep feeling is unrequited. Leaning in front of my grandmother’s grave, I seem to hear my grandmother’s chanting. She said, forgive what you can forgive, and forget what you can forget.

Always stubborn, forbearing and unwilling to forgive. This is me, a silly child. Cheng met me the day before the wedding. He said he was going to marry his senior sister, the woman who bought things for me with him. I actually laughed, but I don’t know what I was laughing at. I was probably laughing at myself.

That woman ran to a place as far away as Urumqi to accompany him, and a man would always be tempted. He said that he was very lonely at that time, and he said that he hoped that the person who would visit him was me.

I still won’t cry. I bit my lips in front of him to bleed, just to hold back my tears. I said, very good, bless you. After speaking, he strode away. He shouted from behind, Wenzi, I hate you, you never loved me!

Me, tears, like broken beads, fluttered to the ground. I want to say, I love you, but you don’t know or feel it.

One day later, he got the news of his sacrifice from his mother. Two years, never want to hear a word about him, in my heart, he is dead.

Is he really dead? Such sudden bad news almost made me faint. His mother said that he loved me in his heart. To marry her is to bear the responsibility of a man.

I don’t know what to say, I just hate him and betray me. Still hate him, why not live well in this world.

Today, more than ten years later, I came to his grave. The gravekeeper asked me who I was, and I said, I was a friend, a very good friend. The gravekeeper said that no woman came to see him except his mother.

I held a bouquet of lilies and placed them in front of his grave. I looked at his photo and said, Cheng, here I come. Today I changed into an exquisite outfit and wore a colorful dress, just the way you like it. You said that I like black too much and hide in the dark all day long.

I’m here, long time no see. Crouching in front of the grave, as if he was right beside me. Crying loudly, the first time watching him cry. I said, I hate you so much, I hate you. It was you who made my heart hurt for so long, just because I couldn’t say, I love you.

I hug your tombstone like hugging you. Let me tell you, don’t worry about me, I’m fine. He also loves me very much, just like you loved me back then.

Before parting, please ask the cemetery to take good care of the cemetery. He loves to be clean. After putting down a pack of cigarettes and a few hundred dollars for the grave guard, he readily agreed to me. Let me rest assured that he will take care of it with all his heart, retrace the words on the tombstone, and paste his photos well. Yes, that’s all I can do.

Turn on the phone, play Qi Qin’s “About Winter” with you, “Gently, I will leave you, please wipe away the tears from the corners of your eyes, I don’t know at this time, I don’t know when, I think it will be about in the winter……”

This was his favorite song at that time, and he often asked me to sing it to him. Today I sang again, I don’t know if he can hear it. Here I am, no longer the young and tasteless woman who used to be so proud, so proud that she forgot to tell him, I love you.

I heard that you once loved me that much. I said, I always forgot to tell you that I loved you that way too…